What does it really mean to live with grief?

I should state very clearly from the beginning that living with grief does not mean, as some folk might hope, that we are ‘cured’, ‘over it’ or have ‘put it all behind’ us. It means that we have learned, usually with compassionate help, to have control of our grief (mostly) rather than ‘it’ controlling us. We have succeeded in achieving what we might have initially thought impossible.

So, if someone who really understands grief, in all of its manifestations, ever looks at us and says genuinely, ‘you’ve really learned how to live with grief’, we can afford to feel proud. Their compliment will be an acknowledgment that we’ve bravely (symbolically) walked over broken glass, resisted drowning in sorrow, eventually confined visible expressions of our pain to private settings, performed necessary tasks and risked remaining connected to others or forming new relationships. We have remained ‘in life’.

Being realistic, however, I guess we shouldn’t hold our breath – the compliment is most likely to come from a trusted bereavement counsellor or be a pat on the back that we give ourselves. Few people really understand grief, let alone what living with it successfully means. The process is never a straight line and coming to terms with what is unchangeable is rarely a constant state. Life keeps happening, and events keep touching our vulnerable ‘bruises’ or ‘wounds’.  Tiredness, illness and stress remain a lifelong challenge to our vulnerable serenity.

If we are to give ourselves a ‘pat on the back’, how do we know we deserve it? What will tell us that we’re really living with grief?

Perhaps a short check list, such as the one below, might help, or at least begin our self-assessment.

• Work – if emotion surfaces unexpectedly in a work setting and we can take a few minutes out, regain composure, return to the task and re-focus, we are living with grief.
• At play – play includes exercise, sport, hobbies, intellectual and social activities, music, social interaction and having fun. When we are able to resume activities that make us feel good without being frenetic or overly withdrawn, or relying on chemicals to control emotional pain, we are living with grief.
• In our relationships – when we become aware of the needs of others, give as well as receive compassionate care, stop making the dead person seem larger than life, stop defining ourselves by grief alone, are able to form new relationships nd risk loving, we are living with grief.
• Our dreams – when we stop trying to force our ability to remember dreams of the person who died or stop being afraid of dreams that cause us to re-live trauma, we are living with grief. When we are able to understand that our daytime feelings are what cause dreams and are our mind’s creative way of making a story out of our feelings, we are living with grief. When we are willing to seek help if dreams prove to be unnecessarily confronting, we are living with grief.
• Travel – because the people we love are part of us, we take them everywhere, often more consciously so after they die. When we are able to allow ourselves to experience adventure, to see the world through their eyes as well as our own, to allow our senses to be stimulated by sights, sounds and smells that may evoke emotional memories, or a deep sense of longing, we are living with grief.

Learning how to live with grief, for most folk, is a slow, complex and painful process, daunting but achievable.

The process is different for each of us, but there are many aspects of reaching that state of being that we share. We know that we have all experienced intense pain and struggle along the way as we have somehow learned how to create a private, safe, internal space in which to keep memories. We have learned how to take control of the visible manifestations of our grief in many situations without losing our feeling of connectedness to the person who has died. We have learned how to answer intrusive questions, for the most part, but know that some people, places or things will forever touch our vulnerability and restimulate strong emotions.

We know that grief never ends because grief is about love. If we can live with all emotions co-existing, open ourselves to new people and experiences, to life itself, despite the sadness that permanently resides in our hearts, we are living with grief as we continue to ‘relearn the world’, as Tom Attig wrote in his book of that name.

If relearning your world after a bereavement is proving to be a difficult and very lonely process, you could consider seeing one of the compassionate counsellors at the NCCG. Please reach out to the team at the NCCG by phone 1300 654 556, email [email protected] or use their free email outreach service at [email protected].

An NCCG Blog
By Dianne McKissock OAM
Co-founder, National Centre for Childhood Grief
November 2023