When grief after the death of a partner is raw and debilitating, the very thought of dating or repartnering can feel repugnant. Very few newly bereaved people are able, or want to, imagine being with someone new while pain is intense and feels like a connection to the person who died.

The ‘foreverness’ of death is virtually impossible to fully comprehend. Waking each morning, for a long time, can mean re-confronting that painful reality on a daily basis. Moments of respite are rare initially, but, if grief is not further complicated by distressing life situations, warm memories will begin to surface briefly and intermittently like small bubbles in lemonade – movement that slowly helps us learn how to accommodate love in absence.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no universal prescription or time frame, but for most folk, safety and compassionate support are necessary ingredients.

Physical touch is important for some bereaved people whether a warm hug from a friend or relative or a massage to relieve tension, but not everyone wants to be touched when they are vulnerable.  Hugs can soothe or can increase the feeling of longing for what has been lost. Touch, almost inevitably, feels poignant. Sexual needs may become heightened for some and totally absent for others.

I’ve been asked many times over the years whether there is a right or wrong time to begin dating after the death of a spouse. I feel protective of bereaved people and for that reason, I’m happy to provide some rough guidelines. It’s best to wait until you’ve experienced at least one of everything – birthdays, anniversaries, traditional celebrations, and the anniversary of the death. Ideally, two years provides more time to feel in control of grief rather than being controlled by ‘it’. But, I’m a realist and life is rarely ideal.

The potential negatives of dating or repartnering ‘too soon’ include the possibility of waking up one day and finding that the person who seemed so warm and helpful in those early, raw days, can now seem controlling and parental. It’s best to slow down a little if possible.

Whatever the time frame, many people initially feel disloyal, guilty and awkward when risking a new relationship, while others may feel a resurgence of hope that life might still be fulfilling, even if very different. All feelings are understandable.

If the previous relationship has been deep and satisfying, finding the courage to date, to repartner or to love again might be a compliment rather than disloyalty. Trusting relationships tend to enhance our capacity for loving, rather than diminish it.

Finally, a few more guidelines to keep in mind when considering a new relationship:

• Wait until you are no longer completely defined by grief.
• Choose a partner who is mature enough not to be threatened by your relationship with your dead partner. They will be part of you forever.
• Grief leaves emotional scars, but is not ‘baggage’.
• If possible, have a ‘grief check up’ before taking those brave steps.
• A couples counselling session (you and your potential partner) with a good relationship counsellor can prove to be a very worthwhile investment for both of you.

The brevity of this article means that your personal needs may not be met in the words that I write and your questions may be left unanswered. Use my email address – [email protected] – and write to me if that’s the case. Grief is familiar to me both personally and professionally and everything I say is based on my own experience and the experience of the many people I have counselled over the years.

If you, a family member or friend are bereaved and grappling with the death of a partner and the complexities of new relationships, please reach out to the team at the NCCG by phone 1300 654 556, email [email protected] or use their free email outreach service at [email protected]. They are specialists in caring for both adults and children of all ages three and older impacted by grief and bereavement.

An NCCG Blog
By Dianne McKissock OAM
Co-founder, National Centre for Childhood Grief
November 2024