Hunter Family’s Story

Sisters Sarah and Holly grew up on an acreage near Newcastle with their loving parents Beverley and Dean.

Their early childhood was free and active. When Dean was home from his fly-in fly-out work as an IT Program Manager, they would go on boating and waterskiing adventures and ride the tractor together.

This all changed when in October 2016 Dean was diagnosed with stomach cancer. The family had just moved to Sydney to spend more time with each other when they heard the news.

Beverley and Dean debated telling their daughters about the diagnosis. They dreaded having to share such painful news with their young daughters, but in the end they decided it was more important to be honest and face things as a family.

Beverley immediately knew that this was going to have a considerable impact on the lives of her 10- and 12-year-old girls, and that she would need professional help to support them through the inevitable trauma they would experience.

It was a big adjustment for Sarah and Holly to see their active and adventurous father now facing cancer treatment.

After Dean was diagnosed, both girls visited therapists. Sarah remembers feeling ‘assessed’ in her visits, as if there was more focus on labelling her thoughts and emotions than supporting her in expressing them. Sarah was given coping strategies, but these felt more like distractions to her.

Holly doesn’t remember much from her visits and can hardly recall attending them. But she does remember feeling very tense and uncomfortable, as the appointment rooms felt like medical offices during a period when she was spending considerable time visiting her dad in hospital.

The care from their therapists met some but not all of the girls’ needs. What they really needed at that time was understanding and support from a specialist grief counsellor.

Holly and Dean on the tractor

After Dean died in August 2017, Beverley kept searching for better support options. She could see that her daughters were not coping well or sharing much with her, and knew the importance of finding someone they could trust and open up to, without feeling worried about being a burden to their mother.

Things changed for the better when the NCCG appeared on Beverley’s Google search for childhood grief counsellors. Beverley felt relieved to finally come across the specialised service she had been looking for all this time.

Both Sarah and Holly started individual counselling at the NCCG in the year after Dean died. Beverley noticed an immediate difference. Seeing that her daughters were now getting the support they needed also lifted her own burden.
“Finding the NCCG was an incredible help to me and allowed me some time and space to deal with my own grief”, said Beverley.

Sarah had individual counselling sessions with NCCG Children’s Counsellor Scott and can remember how comfortable it felt to talk with him. She felt at ease revealing what was on her mind. Sarah remembers sitting side by side with Scott, their feet dipped in the swimming pool at the NCCG’s old care centre in Northern Sydney, “It felt like I was talking to a friend”, said Sarah. Whether they were making drawings, brewing tea or simply talking, Sarah felt understood and supported.

Holly saw NCCG Counsellor Wendy for her sessions and shared how comfortable she felt to open up completely to Wendy, “because I felt safe there”, said Holly. They drew many pictures together and made a salt jar filled with coloured layers. Each layer had a special meaning chosen by Holly. When they talked, Holly felt she could express any intense feelings that she was experiencing. In their last session, they potted a special plant which Holly still has growing at home.

Activities like these are common at the NCCG as they stimulate the discussion of feelings and memories in different ways. By making something whilst talking, it can be less daunting for children who are finding it hard to express their thoughts out loud.

Both Sarah and Holly loved how the counsellors always did the activities with them. They didn’t feel assessed or monitored. They were cared for. The girls no longer felt they were being treated like children who didn’t understand their own feelings, but like people with complex emotions who were supported at an age-appropriate level.

Sarah and Dean water-skiing together

School can be a lonely place for grieving children. It is rare to have friends of the same age who understand what it is like to experience the death of a close loved one.

Sarah struggled to find friends who could understand what she was going through. Even those with good intentions who tried to reach out and connect with Sarah would still feel far away, as their comments only highlighted the difference in experience between them.

Holly reflected on how she changed from her outgoing younger self to being more reserved and closed in after her dad died. Holly didn’t want to tell people that she hardly knew. She felt that the other students would treat her differently and she disconnected from her peers for a long time.

Coming to the NCCG allowed Sarah and Holly to feel connected and understood in a way they didn’t feel with their friends. Both girls loved seeing all the artworks that line the walls of the Centre corridors. They are made by the other children who visit the Centre and helped the girls know that there were others like them. They were not alone.

Sarah and Holly attended counselling sessions at the NCCG for a number of years after Dean died, as often or as little as they needed. Sarah and Holly also continued to see their external psychologist alongside these sessions. This allowed them to receive focused support for both their grief and the other challenges they were facing. As life changes so does the nature of grief and the support each person needs.

“The journey doesn’t end once the immediate aftermath is over. It’s finding children the tools to actually put their young lives back together again which is so important.” said the girls’ mum, Beverley.

Holly and Dean fishing together

When Holly recently turned 18, and Sarah 20, it felt like a huge milestone for Beverley. She remembers that when Dean died, the thought of the girls reaching 18 felt so far away, and there was an abyss to cross in order to get there. But they made it, with laughter and tears of equal measure along the way.

As Beverley now gets to see her daughters studying and pursuing their passions, it is a time of joy and pride. But these milestones and important events are often times when grief resurfaces. A reminder that the person they love isn’t there to see it.

A key part of the NCCG counselling process is to support young people in embracing their lives again. The loss of a loved one, particularly a parent, can result in young lives taking a completely different turn. It can feel strange to enjoy things that might not have happened had the loved one not died. Counselling at the NCCG helps young people learn how to sit with those complex feelings and tend to their grief whilst embracing the changes that follow.

These mixed emotions are feelings that rise and settle throughout a lifetime. When children are able to understand them early on in life, they are more equipped to express and manage them when they get older.

Sarah and Dean flying a kite

“The centre has saved our family” said Beverley. Sarah, Holly and their mother all carry their grief differently, but they are able to live through it and support each other.

Through their individual counselling at the Centre, Sarah and Holly have been able to keep their own memories of Dean alive and share them with others and each other. Strengthening memories of a loved one who has died is crucial to  keeping children connected to them.

Sarah, Holly, Beverley and her new partner Glen, all continue to talk about and share memories about Dean together.

Beverley said how much she enjoys sharing stories about Dean that the girls were once too young to hear, helping them get to know their dad as a real person.

Sarah loves to think about when she would tandem water-ski with her dad. They would hold hands to form an arch as they sailed across the water. She remembers his love of ACDC and his air-guitar.

Holly has strong memories of when she would go fishing with her dad. Sitting together, rarely catching fish, but talking and spending time together, just the two of them.

As time passes and life goes on, Dean remains an important member of their family.

Sarah and Holly waterskiing together now