Stories from some of the children and families who have come to the National Centre of Childhood Grief for support
Finn’s story
‘I can’t imagine my life without it’: How Finn Harrison learnt to grieve
Finn was taught how to remember his father – something that changed the trajectory of his life
Finn, at the age when his Dad Andy died
Finn Harrison was one of four children under 10 years of age when his father suffered a massive heart attack and suddenly died.
It was a Thursday evening game of social soccer that seemed harmless, part of the Harrison family’s routine, but Finn’s father Andy died on the pitch that night.
As his family later learnt, Andy Harrison’s heart had never fully grown. One chamber was “still baby sized” and that soccer game was the moment it gave out.
Finn is now a remarkable 20 year old. He says he has some “core memories” of his father’s death and the years that came after it, including the day he asked his mother for the details.
“I remember sitting down, there’s a cafe attached to the State Theatre here in the city and Mum and I just had an outing,” he said.
“I was about in year nine and we just got into the topic and I think that’s when I would ask questions.
“I guess she just said he’s ready and told me all of the technical stuff. So about the heart, about that kind of stuff, context [leading] up to it.”
As Finn recalls these moments, and talks about his father’s failing heart, it’s as if he is giving directions.
The young man can talk about grief as if he has some distance from it and can point out its details. He’s not immersed in it or ruled by it.
He has the wisdom of someone who has faced an immense sadness at a very young age, but the language and the maturity of someone who has genuinely dealt with that despair.
And who wants to help others dealing with it too.
Finn believes his time spent at The National Centre of Childhood Grief (NCCG) changed the trajectory of his life.
Finn and all of his siblings attended A Friend’s Place – the NCCG’s centre where children whose parent or sibling has died can attend bereavement counselling and group sessions.
These sessions are where Finn says he felt understood, and like he wasn’t different.
“I think at A Friend’s Place when the spotlight is on you, and the spotlight is on 15 other kids around you. It’s intense, it’s individual, and it shows you you’re not alone,” he said.
“You have such generosity and spirit and just openness and transparency in a room for kids, especially in a room where they don’t talk down to kids.
“When you go into that room, and you’re told to ask questions, to openly talk about somebody that you don’t even know if you really know and … [you are] guided into never forgetting them, it’s scary as hell, but I can’t imagine my life without it.”
A common refrain within households where a parent has died is, “we don’t talk about it”, but that approach is not in the best interest of the grieving child, according to NCCG child bereavement experts.
Instead, children are encouraged to be curious, to get to know the parent who has died and to keep any memories alive.
They are taught how to grieve.
“It’s about remembering them. It’s not about remembering that they’re dead – that’s not the defining aspect,” Finn said.
“A Friend’s Place shows you that it’s not all about death. It’s not all about this final chapter of their life. Yeah, it’s a chapter, but it’s not the whole, it’s not the title of the story.”
Finn has always been told he looks like his dad. As a grieving child, that is precious information. A clue as to how the deceased parent looked is something to hold onto and a way to relate to them.
But through his sessions at A Friend’s Place, Finn learnt how to garner more information from his extended family – from the adults who had so much more time with Andy Harrison, but who were dealing with their own grief too.
“I’m an average-heighted, stocky built guy with hair and that was basically dad,” he said.
“And so I can tell you now, I still have conversations with uncles and aunts and midway through the conversation, they would just stare at me different and I know the look they give me and I would say ‘you’re giving me the dad look’, because [what] just pops into their head is that dad’s still with them.”
As a teenager that can be a lot to navigate – desperately wanting to talk about his father, but knowing doing so will require managing other people’s grief.
But Finn has learnt to manage those conversations and to extract more of those precious tidbits of information about his dad Andy, and he has learnt to sustain himself on them.
“A Friend’s Place doesn’t just do the three years of training and then throw you out into the world, they encourage you to talk about it,” he said.
“It doesn’t have to be with them, but they encourage you to talk about it going into teenagehood, they encourage you to talk about it going into adulthood, and encourage you to open your ears and really listen to other people.
“I don’t think every day ‘what if Dad was still alive?’ I’m more thinking ‘what if I didn’t go to A Friend’s Place?’ That’s what I really think about if I’m totally honest.
“Because I always know there’s a safe place to talk about Dad.”
Finn Today
Finn’s Dad, Andy (left) Finn in 2021
Testimonials from other recent clients
When my wife died at the age of 38, leaving me with a 3 year old little girl, struggling to understand what had happened to her mother and why, I faced new challenges that I was ill equipped to handle. The National Centre for Childhood Grief ‘A Friend’s Place’ was a godsend and the dedicated team of volunteer counsellors enabled me to help my daughter make some sense of her new life. There she found a place that was caring and accepting without question. A place where she could meet other children who had suffered a similar fate, and a place where she could be herself and express her feelings without judgement by others who did not understand what she was going through.
– Anonymous
The staff were especially skilled at reassuring me of what to expect in my daughter’s behaviour, what was normal and what required attention. My daughter spent several years in one-to-one counselling before moving into the ‘Group’ setting and then graduated in 2011 after almost 10 years involvement with the Centre.
– Anonymous
Although nobody can replace the loss of her mother, my daughter’s time at ‘A Friend’s Place’ helped her to build the resilience she needed to move into her teenage years. I also benefited greatly from the parent’s discussion group that ran in parallel with the children’s group, as this gave me the opportunity to share experiences and compare notes with other adults battling to cope with becoming a single parent through bereavement.
The Centre’s staff encourage ongoing involvement after graduation and so we still see past children and parents at Centre events from time to time.
– Anonymous
After a sudden loss of a loving wife and mother for 2 young children, ‘A Friend’s Place’ became a safe and reassuring sanctuary for our grieving family. More so the NCCG team effectively became our extended family by nature of their supportive, caring and professional understanding of the grieving process. In a non judgmental, highly experienced and practised manner they ‘just get it’. Thank you, we will be eternally grateful for the part you have played in enabling us all to get back on our feet and know how to live with our grief on an on-going basis.”
– Anonymous
‘A Friend’s Place’ was there to support me after my dad’s unexpected death, their kindness and understanding were invaluable in helping me deal with my grief.
– Milana
‘A Friend’s Place’ has allowed me to overcome the obstacles that arose with the unexpected death of my father. They have helped me grow and become confident in myself by emphasising that the memories of our loved ones are sacred and are meant to be spoken rather than suppressed. I will forever be thankful to the team at ‘A Friend’s Place’ for all they have done for me.
– Katerina
Five years ago grief stricken and left a widow of four boys, I felt devastated, lost and alone. I had nowhere to go where I felt understood. Then another widow, I didn’t know at the time, reached out to us and recommended ‘A Friend’s Place’.
We haven’t looked back since. I could never thank the wonderful staff enough for the love and support they have given my boys and me. Always, selflessly with no judgement. You learn early on in the grief process, no one can tell you how to approach your ‘new life’, or take you along your own personal journey of grief.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no guide or manual to help you cope with the grief you see in your children’s eyes and the despair you feel when you can’t take that pain away. But ‘A Friend’s’ Place offers you the much needed support, strength and advice to help you along your journey. They nurture and love your children and give them the tools needed to help them with their own grief. They put you and your children in touch with some wonderful people, who quickly become treasured friends, who are travelling their own grief journey. But most importantly they teach you the role that very precious memories play in keeping your deceased loved one always by your side, in your hearts and a part of your lives. Thank you.
– Anonymous